Its a beautiful Wednesday evening. I’ve just huffed a half of cup of cleaning solution while furiously scrubbing the bathroom and after my streak of fume induced mania the high finally wore off. It was then I knew I needed to make dinner.
But what do you eat when you’ve spent the last two hours angry cleaning the house? Something easy, like the drunk you, or macaroni. Pair this with a salad and a cup of inconspicuous tea with bourbon so no one can try to send you to AA again.
Get your pan nice and hot. Sweaty, even. Crush and chop your garlic and toss it into the pan . Take your tempeh and chop it well. Add to the pan along with your seasonings and brown. Add your tomatoes and stir frequently. Now cover that up like last nights leftover liner and lower the heat. Cook it for another 20 minutes.
Get your water ready to boil and salt it heavily. Cook your pasta as directed on the side of the box. If this step is hard for you, your parents failed you.
When the pasta is cooked take a spoonful of the pasta water and add it to your tempeh and tomatoes along with your basil and parsley. Toss this around like its Ryan Goslings salad. Mix your pasta with the 1/4 cup olive oil and the “meat sauce” and enjoy it alone. single. sexy. too full to move.
Snacking can be vegan and not put ten pounds on your fat ass. How? Stick to simple snacks that are vegetable based and filling. I like my snacks quick and easy, like a massage parlor. I want to work as little as possible.
Being vegan forces you to get creative the way reality television forces you to re evaluate your life. When I realized I had only one more day to use my avocado before it turned browner than the original Michael Jackson, I had to think of a way to use it. And so I decided to make Avocado Toast. This recipe is open to interpretation, kinda like Caitlyn Jenner’s sexuality. Avocado is a great base for many flavors and it plays well with others. So swap lime for lemon or vaping for cigarettes if you’re pretentious enough. See if I care. This recipe serves 4, or just you if you’re ovulating.
This soup is chunkier than you were before your parents sent you away to the “special” camp. It can not help you clear up any of your on going STD infections but it sure as fuck fights disease and cancer. The vegetables in this soup are like a rocket ship to immunity, unlike your English lit major,which contrary to what your admissions counselor told you, was a rocket ship to your hostess job at the local TGI Fridays. So lets heat up a pan of tears and olive oil and get to souping.
Biscuits. The word can mean so many things. A turd. A cookie, if you’re a toothy brit. A gun if you are a rapper. But the biscuits i’m talking about are the ones that are crispy and flaky, like your hair. Condition much? I searched and searched for a good biscuit recipe but all i found was the 2 girls 1 cup video. And then finally, I found a vegan biscuit recipe. A flaky, crispy, doughy biscuit recipe that will make your mouth water more than a sunday morning hangover. Except this time you wont be clinging to your filthy toilet bowl afterwards.
Heat up your panties to 450 and lets bake some biscuits.
Few things in life are as rewarding as chocolate pudding. The only thing I can think of that’s more rewarding is throwing pennies out your moon roof onto people who ride your ass. Personally I would rather that than a hormonal childless shrew from staten island with the mouth of a trucker. Consider yourself lucky.
This pudding is good. There should be a porn with this pudding in it somewhere, that’s how good it is. This could be the start of a new business.
Ok. When i want to be left alone in church or at a wedding I load up on beans. Fine, the church part was a lie. Ok the whole thing was a lie. When I want to be left alone I let my stellar personality shine. When I really want to be left alone I just go under the bed and I cry while reading cosmopolitan. I cry because being slutty is now called being empowered. What a time to be alive ladies AMIRITE?
This dip will knock your tits off. Serve it warmed with a little olive oil drizzled over it and wow the fuck out of your posh friends while they talk about using tinder to get free dinners. What a time to be alive AMIRITESWIPE.
I can’t think of any place in New York City but Chinatown where you can get a happy ending and a stir fry on the same corner. I cant comment on the first, but the stir fry is so titties. So in homage to the smelliest shit hole in the Big Apple I wanted to get wasted before 5 pm and have a fabulous lunch alone while i cheers to Chinatown and cry into my glass of sauvignon blanc. Chin Chin fuckers lets cook.
You’re gonna need a bottle of good white wine for this. Try to get drunk enough to forget that your parents still think you’re a lesbian because you haven’t had a boyfriend in a few years.
Lunch. Depending on how much you drank the night before lunch can be an enjoyable meal without the taste of vomit or it can be a sustenance based binge of french fries from mcdonalds. Don’t act like you haven’t had lunch next to a homeless man while he pisses himself.
If you are lucky enough to not smell like Paris Hilton’s old closet this afternoon then you may be a candidate for yawnfucks anonymous. How dare you sit there and judge me? I am living my dream one bathroom stall at a time.
This lunch will be the best decision I have made for myself in almost 15 hours.