Peanut Butter and Apple Truffles

Vegan

Apples and peanut butter go together like hookers and blow. They’re a match made in heaven. So in honor of that relationship I thought we would make balls, lightly dusted in a cocoa powder concoction that will make you want to swallow them whole. If only you did that for your ex, maybe he would have stuck around.

So how do you make these tasty little treats? Watch and learn.

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Brussels and Taters

Vegan

Brussel sprouts. The testicle of the vegetable world. Little round balls just oozing flavor and adventure. If you’re not careful while handling them you can injure or bruise them. You can usually fit at least two in one hand but most brussels like to be lightly stroked or handled gently. Save all that rough play for the carrots. They’re hard and sturdy. Those things can take a beating.  So handle with care. You’ll thank yourself later.

Potatoes need no introduction. They are a miracle fruit. In my personal opinion potatoes are at their very best when they are in a large bottle. Those potatoes can get you drunk. So drunk that you have to go to Mc Donald’s to meet them again at 1 am to get yourself fried right. Sometimes you just need your fix. Any way potatoes are as addicting to me as cocaine is to Janice Dickinson and I gotta say, you can literally put them in anything and they work.

So try out these Brussels and Taters.

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Asian Italian Seared Tofu

Vegan

Soy sauce can basically make anything taste good. Except your balloon knot. That will never taste good no matter how much soy or strawberry flavored anything you add to it.

So naturally soy sauce makes a delicious marinade. This marinade is two parts asian pornography and two parts italian violence. Its is 100% tasty.

I let my tofu marinate for a few hours alone and think about how it brought home some fucking bimbo from a bar thinking that I woudn’t find out . Well slutty cinderella left her stripper pump under the bed. And then I fry it and I eat the evidence. I don’t remember what we were talking about…………..

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Vegetable Stew

Vegan

Its colder than Hillary Clinton’s bedroom out there and I needed to warm up for my private strip tease class. Can you believe that some dance teachers actually pay you and not the other way around?

Getting back to the stew, I formed this recipe with some vegetables that you should have on hand in your house. Some really good staples for a vegan diet would be potatoes, onions, peas, carrots, garlic and beans. And wine. Tons and tons of wine. Enough wine to make you drunk dial your ex to remind him that he never gave you an orgasm. Always.

So here’s the ingredients for this stew…

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Fried Zucchini

Vegan

Zucchini. It looks like a penis. Any vegetable shaped like genitals looks like it would be delicious to batter and fry. Maybe its just me.

Zucchini is one of the most beneficial vegetables you can chew on. Its packed with a massive amount of vitamins and minerals. Check out its stats here:

https://www.organicfacts.net/health-benefits/vegetable/health-benefits-of-zucchini.html

This will make your boyfriend forget about that time you hooked up with his best friend in a bathroom at Applebee’s. Until he finishes eating it. Then its back into the basement for you, whore.

So here we go- Fried Zucchini.

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Hashbrowns

Vegan

OMFG crispy hashbrowns.

Are you hungover? This will cure it.

Are you hungry? This will cure that.

Do you have a venereal disease? This will not cure that. But even the clap is better with hashbrowns.

How do you make these heavenly taters?

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Cooking For Meat-eaters

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I am a fucking vegan. I have to say this about 20 times a day and god forbid we go to someones house, it turns into a huge deal where I get drunk and cry in a guest bathroom. This likely has nothing to do with being vegan and everything to do with drinking on an empty stomach.

Anyway what does this mean? It means I eat vegetables. Will I shun you for eating meat? I have done far more questionable things. So no. Will I die if I only eat a salad with vodka because you didnt know I was vegan? No. But you’re a prick. Obviously.

But here’s the thing. I cook for a meat eating slab of man flesh every day and he sure as fuck doesn’t eat tofu unless its deep fried.

So how do I do it?

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Baked Cinnamon and PB Apples

Vegan

Apples are the downfall of man. Eve slipped one to Adam right before the party police came and made them put clothes on. The evil queen slipped one to Snow White. It seems like apples are the original Ruffie.

So when I eat one I want to make it a special moment. I want to savor it. And I want to eat the whole thing. No one shares apples. They are an individual fruit. Selfish. I like selfish.

Preheat your oven to 375.

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Vegan Potato Leek Soup

Vegan

Soup is so titties. Its like negative a million here in Hoboken and I am just waiting for the Hudson River to freeze over like my heart. The only thing that can save my wretched life in these conditions is hot, creamy liquids in my throat. This soup is a little chunky, very hearty and fucking delicious. I serve it at dinner parties and my guests can’t believe i haven’t had botox. Or that the soup is vegan, whatever. 

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Buffalo Nuggets

Vegetarian (for vegan, omit the honey in the sauce)

Holy Cow.

I just made the most incredible , spicy, kick you in the face Vegan Buffalo Nuggets. Its still football season. I needed these in my life since the Giants predictably shit the bed this season.

Here’s the thing about finger foods, they’re a fucking crowd pleaser, like your mom. J.K that’s why your dad left.

In actuality, these nuggets are easy to make and I am about to show you how.

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