Noodle Salad


I can’t think of any place in New York City but Chinatown where you can get a happy ending and a stir fry on the same corner. I cant comment on the first, but the stir fry is so titties. So in homage to the smelliest shit hole in the Big Apple I wanted to get wasted before 5 pm and have a fabulous lunch alone while i cheers to Chinatown and cry into my glass of sauvignon blanc. Chin Chin fuckers lets cook.

You’re gonna need a bottle of good white wine for this.  Try to get drunk enough to forget that your parents still think you’re a lesbian because you haven’t had a boyfriend in a few years.




Heat up two pans. One with 1/4 inch vegetable oil and the other with 2-3 tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil. The left pan is a cast iron skillet and the right is a dutch oven.


While that’s heating, take your tofu and squeeze out the extra water by placing it in a large dish with a smaller dish over it. Now pick your favorite bottle of booze, a full one not what you drank last night you hooker, and place it as a weight on top. 15 minutes and all that excess water weight will come off. Sorry we cant say the same for you.


Now cube up that tofu well and add it to the bowl of cornstarch. Toss lightly.

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Now add your starched tofu to the hot vegetable oil. Cook for 15 minutes, stirring halfway through on medium heat until all the tofu is browned.


Dice up your carrot and onion. Add it to your other pot witholive oil and cook for ten minutes.

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Now add your tomato and cook for 5 minutes stirring often.

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Add some salt and pepper here. Then add your kale and basil.

Finally throw your chopped cashews and a few dashes of soy sauce (2-3) in here and saute for another 3 minutes. Add your noodles and heat the whole thing on low for 5 more minutes. Serve the tofu on top and get wasted. You’ve earned it.

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Did you like that? Comment. Did you hate it? Good. Fuck off and comment.

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