Vegan “Buttermilk” Biscuits

Biscuits. The word can mean so many things. A turd. A cookie, if you’re a toothy brit. A gun if you are a rapper. But the biscuits i’m talking about are the ones that are crispy and flaky, like your hair. Condition much? I searched and searched for a good biscuit recipe but all i found was the 2 girls 1 cup video. And then finally, I found a vegan biscuit recipe. A flaky, crispy, doughy biscuit recipe that will make your mouth water more than a sunday morning hangover. Except this time you wont be clinging to your filthy toilet bowl afterwards.

Heat up your panties to 450 and lets bake some biscuits.




In a bowl  mix your milk with your lemon juice or vinegar. Let that sit in the corner and think about how a few bad choices in college got you where you are.

Next measure out your flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Add these to a bowl and mix them well.


Look at all that white powder. Amazon sells these mixing bowls on the cheap

Take your cold vegetable butter and dice it up before adding it to your flour mixture. This is where a masher or dough cutter come in handy if you have one. If not use a big fork and DONT over mix. You want your mixture to look grainy like sand or the absolute cheapest cocaine you could get on such short notice. But you don’t want the dough to get too warm.

Now start adding your “buttermilk” about 1/4 a cup at a time. I used all of my buttermilk mixture. You are looking to get your dough sticky and soft.

Now throw some flour on a flat surface. Get out your rolling pin. Cover your rolling pin with flour. If you don’t have a rolling pin, do what I do and drink a bottle of wine. Rinse out the bottle. Take a nap youre drunk. Then use that to roll out your dough, or whatever. Empty wine bottles can do so many things. Things to someone who deserves it……….

Roll the dough out to be around a 1/2 an inch thick, like your ex boyfriend. Use a round cutter or if you are poor like me, a glass, to cut shapes out of the dough. Place these, two at a time, on an ungreased cookie sheet. You want them to slightly touch each other, kind of like your parents relationship. Use your pointer finger to poke the center of each biscuit, glaze them with melted vegetable butter and sprinkle salt and pepper over the tops.

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Bake for 10-13 minutes at 450. When they are golden brown, remove them and place them in your mouth to keep you from talking. That’s better. You can serve them like i did with drizzled Olive oil, salt and pepper  and a nice side of greens.

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I originally found this recipe here. Its a rad site. Cheers fuckers.




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