Easy Chickpea and Parsley Salad

Vegan

Chickpeas are the red headed step child of the bean family. People never know what to do with them or how to act towards them. Sometimes you may even be scared that they watch you while you sleep.

If you love flicking the bean then you’ll love this chickpea salad. These beans go a long way when flicked, which is more than we can say for you.

So toss your chicks and parsley together and eat them while reminiscing on your long long long long gone childhood, you old fuck

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Homemade Croutons

Vegan

Few things in life are as addictive as crack cocaine. Or if you’re a prominent actor, lets say having sex with questionable prostitutes in cars and rest stops. But I have found something far better than grinding your teeth down and hooking for fixes. That’s correct. Sit down, I am about to blow your mind the way you blew your drug dealer. Homemade croutons are not to be fucked with. Try them once and you will be giving out hj’s for cash. Trust me on this. Add them to soup or salad. Go to rehab. Come back as Flava Flav. Yeaaaaaaa Boiiiiiiiiiiiii

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Cajun Tofu Cubes

Vegan

Child. Cajun seasoning is like fairy dust. Sprinkle it on a limp lifeless chunk of protein and massage some oil in there and you have a sturdy mouth full of the white deliciousness we call tofu. Jk tofu can taste like your mother’s shitty cooking if you dont dress it up real nice and get it all greasy. That’s how you get it to put out…….flavor.

These little nuggets of heaven are hard on the outside and soft on the inside. They will foodgasm you into submission with their flavor voodoo.

So get your gal Tofu all dolled up for a night on the town and lets get to cooking.

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Bruschetta and Italian Toast

Vegan

I had a few friends over. Nothing big just some hookers I used to see working down by the path. Anyway I made them a few snacks because the streets is hard out there and its cold as fuck.

Bruschetta, Guacamole and Vegan Onion and Nut Dip.

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I thought it would be a treat to talk about this Bruschetta.

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Broccoli and Pesto Penne

Vegan

I gotta admit. I was skeptical about this sauce from the get go. Its a little chunky. I mean like the other Tyler daughter chunky. Jk. I cant front. I would totally sleep with her and then give her a fake number. So I started with the freshest ingredients. Like olive garden. But poorer 😦 A little basil, a handful of nuts and a bottle of Flying Cloud Cabernet go a long way to black out. Add the bottle of wine directly to your mouth. Add the other shit to your pasta. Drink until your tears taste good. Drown yourself in a bowl of memories and penne. Cry deeply. Eat more. Go swimming before 30 minutes. YOLO. FTW

Lets make-aahhhh the pastaaaaaahhh.

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OMG Onion O Rings

Vegan

Ok. Sometimes fried food can blow out your O ring. This happens when particular groups of patriots imbibe both Budweiser and local fast food delicacies like taco bell or white castle. The scientific terminology is “Bud Mud”. When you do it right though, it can slide through your system unwavering and determined to reach the other side. Like hamsters in the west village. This recipe is the kind that needs no lubrication. After all, vegan recipes are great for your colon. Whats good for your colon is good for your asshole. And i mean literal asshole , not your shitty toddler tearing down signs at Starbucks while you have “mommy time”.

So heat up a vat of oil and lets get weird………..

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Peanut Butter and Apple Truffles

Vegan

Apples and peanut butter go together like hookers and blow. They’re a match made in heaven. So in honor of that relationship I thought we would make balls, lightly dusted in a cocoa powder concoction that will make you want to swallow them whole. If only you did that for your ex, maybe he would have stuck around.

So how do you make these tasty little treats? Watch and learn.

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Brussels and Taters

Vegan

Brussel sprouts. The testicle of the vegetable world. Little round balls just oozing flavor and adventure. If you’re not careful while handling them you can injure or bruise them. You can usually fit at least two in one hand but most brussels like to be lightly stroked or handled gently. Save all that rough play for the carrots. They’re hard and sturdy. Those things can take a beating.  So handle with care. You’ll thank yourself later.

Potatoes need no introduction. They are a miracle fruit. In my personal opinion potatoes are at their very best when they are in a large bottle. Those potatoes can get you drunk. So drunk that you have to go to Mc Donald’s to meet them again at 1 am to get yourself fried right. Sometimes you just need your fix. Any way potatoes are as addicting to me as cocaine is to Janice Dickinson and I gotta say, you can literally put them in anything and they work.

So try out these Brussels and Taters.

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Asian Italian Seared Tofu

Vegan

Soy sauce can basically make anything taste good. Except your balloon knot. That will never taste good no matter how much soy or strawberry flavored anything you add to it.

So naturally soy sauce makes a delicious marinade. This marinade is two parts asian pornography and two parts italian violence. Its is 100% tasty.

I let my tofu marinate for a few hours alone and think about how it brought home some fucking bimbo from a bar thinking that I woudn’t find out . Well slutty cinderella left her stripper pump under the bed. And then I fry it and I eat the evidence. I don’t remember what we were talking about…………..

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Vegetable Stew

Vegan

Its colder than Hillary Clinton’s bedroom out there and I needed to warm up for my private strip tease class. Can you believe that some dance teachers actually pay you and not the other way around?

Getting back to the stew, I formed this recipe with some vegetables that you should have on hand in your house. Some really good staples for a vegan diet would be potatoes, onions, peas, carrots, garlic and beans. And wine. Tons and tons of wine. Enough wine to make you drunk dial your ex to remind him that he never gave you an orgasm. Always.

So here’s the ingredients for this stew…

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