Avocado Toast

Being vegan forces you to get creative the way reality television forces you to re evaluate your life. When I realized I had only one more day to use my avocado before it turned browner than the original Michael Jackson,  I had to think of a way to use it. And so I decided to make Avocado Toast. This recipe is open to interpretation, kinda like Caitlyn Jenner’s sexuality. Avocado is a great base for many flavors and it plays well with others. So swap lime for lemon or vaping for cigarettes if you’re pretentious enough. See if I care. This recipe serves  4, or just you if you’re ovulating.

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Onion Bean Dip

Ok. When i want to be left alone in church or at a wedding I load up on beans. Fine, the church part was a lie. Ok the whole thing was a lie. When I want to be left alone I let my stellar personality shine. When I really want to be left alone I just go under the bed and I cry while reading cosmopolitan. I cry because being slutty is now called being empowered. What a time to be alive ladies AMIRITE?

This dip will knock your tits off. Serve it warmed with a little olive oil drizzled over it and wow the fuck out of your posh friends while they talk about using tinder to get free dinners. What a time to be alive AMIRITESWIPE.

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Cajun Tofu Cubes

Vegan

Child. Cajun seasoning is like fairy dust. Sprinkle it on a limp lifeless chunk of protein and massage some oil in there and you have a sturdy mouth full of the white deliciousness we call tofu. Jk tofu can taste like your mother’s shitty cooking if you dont dress it up real nice and get it all greasy. That’s how you get it to put out…….flavor.

These little nuggets of heaven are hard on the outside and soft on the inside. They will foodgasm you into submission with their flavor voodoo.

So get your gal Tofu all dolled up for a night on the town and lets get to cooking.

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Bruschetta and Italian Toast

Vegan

I had a few friends over. Nothing big just some hookers I used to see working down by the path. Anyway I made them a few snacks because the streets is hard out there and its cold as fuck.

Bruschetta, Guacamole and Vegan Onion and Nut Dip.

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I thought it would be a treat to talk about this Bruschetta.

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OMG Onion O Rings

Vegan

Ok. Sometimes fried food can blow out your O ring. This happens when particular groups of patriots imbibe both Budweiser and local fast food delicacies like taco bell or white castle. The scientific terminology is “Bud Mud”. When you do it right though, it can slide through your system unwavering and determined to reach the other side. Like hamsters in the west village. This recipe is the kind that needs no lubrication. After all, vegan recipes are great for your colon. Whats good for your colon is good for your asshole. And i mean literal asshole , not your shitty toddler tearing down signs at Starbucks while you have “mommy time”.

So heat up a vat of oil and lets get weird………..

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Fried Zucchini

Vegan

Zucchini. It looks like a penis. Any vegetable shaped like genitals looks like it would be delicious to batter and fry. Maybe its just me.

Zucchini is one of the most beneficial vegetables you can chew on. Its packed with a massive amount of vitamins and minerals. Check out its stats here:

https://www.organicfacts.net/health-benefits/vegetable/health-benefits-of-zucchini.html

This will make your boyfriend forget about that time you hooked up with his best friend in a bathroom at Applebee’s. Until he finishes eating it. Then its back into the basement for you, whore.

So here we go- Fried Zucchini.

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