Easy A$$ Meal

Many people liken going vegan to sliding a watermelon through your asshole. I may have confused that with giving birth. You get my point.

“It’s more expensive than a russian mail order bride.” -my anonymous friend.

“If I wanted to work that hard I would have signed the birth certificate,”-your adoring father.

You get what I am saying. But the truth is sometimes being vegan is cheaper and easier than your sister was in high school. And that’s saying a lot.

I made myself a delicious vegan lunch the other day. And simple.  Heat up your panties to 425 degrees and lets bake some potato.

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Onion Bean Dip

Ok. When i want to be left alone in church or at a wedding I load up on beans. Fine, the church part was a lie. Ok the whole thing was a lie. When I want to be left alone I let my stellar personality shine. When I really want to be left alone I just go under the bed and I cry while reading cosmopolitan. I cry because being slutty is now called being empowered. What a time to be alive ladies AMIRITE?

This dip will knock your tits off. Serve it warmed with a little olive oil drizzled over it and wow the fuck out of your posh friends while they talk about using tinder to get free dinners. What a time to be alive AMIRITESWIPE.

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Noodle Salad

Vegan

I can’t think of any place in New York City but Chinatown where you can get a happy ending and a stir fry on the same corner. I cant comment on the first, but the stir fry is so titties. So in homage to the smelliest shit hole in the Big Apple I wanted to get wasted before 5 pm and have a fabulous lunch alone while i cheers to Chinatown and cry into my glass of sauvignon blanc. Chin Chin fuckers lets cook.

You’re gonna need a bottle of good white wine for this.  Try to get drunk enough to forget that your parents still think you’re a lesbian because you haven’t had a boyfriend in a few years.

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Homemade Croutons

Vegan

Few things in life are as addictive as crack cocaine. Or if you’re a prominent actor, lets say having sex with questionable prostitutes in cars and rest stops. But I have found something far better than grinding your teeth down and hooking for fixes. That’s correct. Sit down, I am about to blow your mind the way you blew your drug dealer. Homemade croutons are not to be fucked with. Try them once and you will be giving out hj’s for cash. Trust me on this. Add them to soup or salad. Go to rehab. Come back as Flava Flav. Yeaaaaaaa Boiiiiiiiiiiiii

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Broccoli and Pesto Penne

Vegan

I gotta admit. I was skeptical about this sauce from the get go. Its a little chunky. I mean like the other Tyler daughter chunky. Jk. I cant front. I would totally sleep with her and then give her a fake number. So I started with the freshest ingredients. Like olive garden. But poorer 😦 A little basil, a handful of nuts and a bottle of Flying Cloud Cabernet go a long way to black out. Add the bottle of wine directly to your mouth. Add the other shit to your pasta. Drink until your tears taste good. Drown yourself in a bowl of memories and penne. Cry deeply. Eat more. Go swimming before 30 minutes. YOLO. FTW

Lets make-aahhhh the pastaaaaaahhh.

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Asian Italian Seared Tofu

Vegan

Soy sauce can basically make anything taste good. Except your balloon knot. That will never taste good no matter how much soy or strawberry flavored anything you add to it.

So naturally soy sauce makes a delicious marinade. This marinade is two parts asian pornography and two parts italian violence. Its is 100% tasty.

I let my tofu marinate for a few hours alone and think about how it brought home some fucking bimbo from a bar thinking that I woudn’t find out . Well slutty cinderella left her stripper pump under the bed. And then I fry it and I eat the evidence. I don’t remember what we were talking about…………..

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Vegetable Stew

Vegan

Its colder than Hillary Clinton’s bedroom out there and I needed to warm up for my private strip tease class. Can you believe that some dance teachers actually pay you and not the other way around?

Getting back to the stew, I formed this recipe with some vegetables that you should have on hand in your house. Some really good staples for a vegan diet would be potatoes, onions, peas, carrots, garlic and beans. And wine. Tons and tons of wine. Enough wine to make you drunk dial your ex to remind him that he never gave you an orgasm. Always.

So here’s the ingredients for this stew…

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Cooking For Meat-eaters

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I am a fucking vegan. I have to say this about 20 times a day and god forbid we go to someones house, it turns into a huge deal where I get drunk and cry in a guest bathroom. This likely has nothing to do with being vegan and everything to do with drinking on an empty stomach.

Anyway what does this mean? It means I eat vegetables. Will I shun you for eating meat? I have done far more questionable things. So no. Will I die if I only eat a salad with vodka because you didnt know I was vegan? No. But you’re a prick. Obviously.

But here’s the thing. I cook for a meat eating slab of man flesh every day and he sure as fuck doesn’t eat tofu unless its deep fried.

So how do I do it?

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