Its a beautiful Wednesday evening. I’ve just huffed a half of cup of cleaning solution while furiously scrubbing the bathroom and after my streak of fume induced mania the high finally wore off. It was then I knew I needed to make dinner.
But what do you eat when you’ve spent the last two hours angry cleaning the house? Something easy, like the drunk you, or macaroni. Pair this with a salad and a cup of inconspicuous tea with bourbon so no one can try to send you to AA again.
Get your pan nice and hot. Sweaty, even. Crush and chop your garlic and toss it into the pan . Take your tempeh and chop it well. Add to the pan along with your seasonings and brown. Add your tomatoes and stir frequently. Now cover that up like last nights leftover liner and lower the heat. Cook it for another 20 minutes.
Get your water ready to boil and salt it heavily. Cook your pasta as directed on the side of the box. If this step is hard for you, your parents failed you.
When the pasta is cooked take a spoonful of the pasta water and add it to your tempeh and tomatoes along with your basil and parsley. Toss this around like its Ryan Goslings salad. Mix your pasta with the 1/4 cup olive oil and the “meat sauce” and enjoy it alone. single. sexy. too full to move.
Being vegan forces you to get creative the way reality television forces you to re evaluate your life. When I realized I had only one more day to use my avocado before it turned browner than the original Michael Jackson, I had to think of a way to use it. And so I decided to make Avocado Toast. This recipe is open to interpretation, kinda like Caitlyn Jenner’s sexuality. Avocado is a great base for many flavors and it plays well with others. So swap lime for lemon or vaping for cigarettes if you’re pretentious enough. See if I care. This recipe serves 4, or just you if you’re ovulating.
This soup is chunkier than you were before your parents sent you away to the “special” camp. It can not help you clear up any of your on going STD infections but it sure as fuck fights disease and cancer. The vegetables in this soup are like a rocket ship to immunity, unlike your English lit major,which contrary to what your admissions counselor told you, was a rocket ship to your hostess job at the local TGI Fridays. So lets heat up a pan of tears and olive oil and get to souping.
Child. Cajun seasoning is like fairy dust. Sprinkle it on a limp lifeless chunk of protein and massage some oil in there and you have a sturdy mouth full of the white deliciousness we call tofu. Jk tofu can taste like your mother’s shitty cooking if you dont dress it up real nice and get it all greasy. That’s how you get it to put out…….flavor.
These little nuggets of heaven are hard on the outside and soft on the inside. They will foodgasm you into submission with their flavor voodoo.
So get your gal Tofu all dolled up for a night on the town and lets get to cooking.
Ok. Sometimes fried food can blow out your O ring. This happens when particular groups of patriots imbibe both Budweiser and local fast food delicacies like taco bell or white castle. The scientific terminology is “Bud Mud”. When you do it right though, it can slide through your system unwavering and determined to reach the other side. Like hamsters in the west village. This recipe is the kind that needs no lubrication. After all, vegan recipes are great for your colon. Whats good for your colon is good for your asshole. And i mean literal asshole , not your shitty toddler tearing down signs at Starbucks while you have “mommy time”.
Soup is so titties. Its like negative a million here in Hoboken and I am just waiting for the Hudson River to freeze over like my heart. The only thing that can save my wretched life in these conditions is hot, creamy liquids in my throat. This soup is a little chunky, very hearty and fucking delicious. I serve it at dinner parties and my guests can’t believe i haven’t had botox. Or that the soup is vegan, whatever.