Being vegan forces you to get creative the way reality television forces you to re evaluate your life. When I realized I had only one more day to use my avocado before it turned browner than the original Michael Jackson, I had to think of a way to use it. And so I decided to make Avocado Toast. This recipe is open to interpretation, kinda like Caitlyn Jenner’s sexuality. Avocado is a great base for many flavors and it plays well with others. So swap lime for lemon or vaping for cigarettes if you’re pretentious enough. See if I care. This recipe serves 4, or just you if you’re ovulating.
This soup is chunkier than you were before your parents sent you away to the “special” camp. It can not help you clear up any of your on going STD infections but it sure as fuck fights disease and cancer. The vegetables in this soup are like a rocket ship to immunity, unlike your English lit major,which contrary to what your admissions counselor told you, was a rocket ship to your hostess job at the local TGI Fridays. So lets heat up a pan of tears and olive oil and get to souping.
Ok. When i want to be left alone in church or at a wedding I load up on beans. Fine, the church part was a lie. Ok the whole thing was a lie. When I want to be left alone I let my stellar personality shine. When I really want to be left alone I just go under the bed and I cry while reading cosmopolitan. I cry because being slutty is now called being empowered. What a time to be alive ladies AMIRITE?
This dip will knock your tits off. Serve it warmed with a little olive oil drizzled over it and wow the fuck out of your posh friends while they talk about using tinder to get free dinners. What a time to be alive AMIRITESWIPE.
Lunch. Depending on how much you drank the night before lunch can be an enjoyable meal without the taste of vomit or it can be a sustenance based binge of french fries from mcdonalds. Don’t act like you haven’t had lunch next to a homeless man while he pisses himself.
If you are lucky enough to not smell like Paris Hilton’s old closet this afternoon then you may be a candidate for yawnfucks anonymous. How dare you sit there and judge me? I am living my dream one bathroom stall at a time.
This lunch will be the best decision I have made for myself in almost 15 hours.
I had a few friends over. Nothing big just some hookers I used to see working down by the path. Anyway I made them a few snacks because the streets is hard out there and its cold as fuck.
Bruschetta, Guacamole and Vegan Onion and Nut Dip.
I thought it would be a treat to talk about this Bruschetta.
I gotta admit. I was skeptical about this sauce from the get go. Its a little chunky. I mean like the other Tyler daughter chunky. Jk. I cant front. I would totally sleep with her and then give her a fake number. So I started with the freshest ingredients. Like olive garden. But poorer 😦 A little basil, a handful of nuts and a bottle of Flying Cloud Cabernet go a long way to black out. Add the bottle of wine directly to your mouth. Add the other shit to your pasta. Drink until your tears taste good. Drown yourself in a bowl of memories and penne. Cry deeply. Eat more. Go swimming before 30 minutes. YOLO. FTW
Lets make-aahhhh the pastaaaaaahhh.
Brussel sprouts. The testicle of the vegetable world. Little round balls just oozing flavor and adventure. If you’re not careful while handling them you can injure or bruise them. You can usually fit at least two in one hand but most brussels like to be lightly stroked or handled gently. Save all that rough play for the carrots. They’re hard and sturdy. Those things can take a beating. So handle with care. You’ll thank yourself later.
Potatoes need no introduction. They are a miracle fruit. In my personal opinion potatoes are at their very best when they are in a large bottle. Those potatoes can get you drunk. So drunk that you have to go to Mc Donald’s to meet them again at 1 am to get yourself fried right. Sometimes you just need your fix. Any way potatoes are as addicting to me as cocaine is to Janice Dickinson and I gotta say, you can literally put them in anything and they work.
So try out these Brussels and Taters.
Soy sauce can basically make anything taste good. Except your balloon knot. That will never taste good no matter how much soy or strawberry flavored anything you add to it.
So naturally soy sauce makes a delicious marinade. This marinade is two parts asian pornography and two parts italian violence. Its is 100% tasty.
I let my tofu marinate for a few hours alone and think about how it brought home some fucking bimbo from a bar thinking that I woudn’t find out . Well slutty cinderella left her stripper pump under the bed. And then I fry it and I eat the evidence. I don’t remember what we were talking about…………..
Its colder than Hillary Clinton’s bedroom out there and I needed to warm up for my private strip tease class. Can you believe that some dance teachers actually pay you and not the other way around?
Getting back to the stew, I formed this recipe with some vegetables that you should have on hand in your house. Some really good staples for a vegan diet would be potatoes, onions, peas, carrots, garlic and beans. And wine. Tons and tons of wine. Enough wine to make you drunk dial your ex to remind him that he never gave you an orgasm. Always.
So here’s the ingredients for this stew…
Soup is so titties. Its like negative a million here in Hoboken and I am just waiting for the Hudson River to freeze over like my heart. The only thing that can save my wretched life in these conditions is hot, creamy liquids in my throat. This soup is a little chunky, very hearty and fucking delicious. I serve it at dinner parties and my guests can’t believe i haven’t had botox. Or that the soup is vegan, whatever.