Easy A$$ Meal

Many people liken going vegan to sliding a watermelon through your asshole. I may have confused that with giving birth. You get my point.

“It’s more expensive than a russian mail order bride.” -my anonymous friend.

“If I wanted to work that hard I would have signed the birth certificate,”-your adoring father.

You get what I am saying. But the truth is sometimes being vegan is cheaper and easier than your sister was in high school. And that’s saying a lot.

I made myself a delicious vegan lunch the other day. And simple.  Heat up your panties to 425 degrees and lets bake some potato.

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Bruschetta and Italian Toast

Vegan

I had a few friends over. Nothing big just some hookers I used to see working down by the path. Anyway I made them a few snacks because the streets is hard out there and its cold as fuck.

Bruschetta, Guacamole and Vegan Onion and Nut Dip.

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I thought it would be a treat to talk about this Bruschetta.

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Broccoli and Pesto Penne

Vegan

I gotta admit. I was skeptical about this sauce from the get go. Its a little chunky. I mean like the other Tyler daughter chunky. Jk. I cant front. I would totally sleep with her and then give her a fake number. So I started with the freshest ingredients. Like olive garden. But poorer 😦 A little basil, a handful of nuts and a bottle of Flying Cloud Cabernet go a long way to black out. Add the bottle of wine directly to your mouth. Add the other shit to your pasta. Drink until your tears taste good. Drown yourself in a bowl of memories and penne. Cry deeply. Eat more. Go swimming before 30 minutes. YOLO. FTW

Lets make-aahhhh the pastaaaaaahhh.

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Brussels and Taters

Vegan

Brussel sprouts. The testicle of the vegetable world. Little round balls just oozing flavor and adventure. If you’re not careful while handling them you can injure or bruise them. You can usually fit at least two in one hand but most brussels like to be lightly stroked or handled gently. Save all that rough play for the carrots. They’re hard and sturdy. Those things can take a beating.  So handle with care. You’ll thank yourself later.

Potatoes need no introduction. They are a miracle fruit. In my personal opinion potatoes are at their very best when they are in a large bottle. Those potatoes can get you drunk. So drunk that you have to go to Mc Donald’s to meet them again at 1 am to get yourself fried right. Sometimes you just need your fix. Any way potatoes are as addicting to me as cocaine is to Janice Dickinson and I gotta say, you can literally put them in anything and they work.

So try out these Brussels and Taters.

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Asian Italian Seared Tofu

Vegan

Soy sauce can basically make anything taste good. Except your balloon knot. That will never taste good no matter how much soy or strawberry flavored anything you add to it.

So naturally soy sauce makes a delicious marinade. This marinade is two parts asian pornography and two parts italian violence. Its is 100% tasty.

I let my tofu marinate for a few hours alone and think about how it brought home some fucking bimbo from a bar thinking that I woudn’t find out . Well slutty cinderella left her stripper pump under the bed. And then I fry it and I eat the evidence. I don’t remember what we were talking about…………..

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Vegetable Stew

Vegan

Its colder than Hillary Clinton’s bedroom out there and I needed to warm up for my private strip tease class. Can you believe that some dance teachers actually pay you and not the other way around?

Getting back to the stew, I formed this recipe with some vegetables that you should have on hand in your house. Some really good staples for a vegan diet would be potatoes, onions, peas, carrots, garlic and beans. And wine. Tons and tons of wine. Enough wine to make you drunk dial your ex to remind him that he never gave you an orgasm. Always.

So here’s the ingredients for this stew…

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Fried Zucchini

Vegan

Zucchini. It looks like a penis. Any vegetable shaped like genitals looks like it would be delicious to batter and fry. Maybe its just me.

Zucchini is one of the most beneficial vegetables you can chew on. Its packed with a massive amount of vitamins and minerals. Check out its stats here:

https://www.organicfacts.net/health-benefits/vegetable/health-benefits-of-zucchini.html

This will make your boyfriend forget about that time you hooked up with his best friend in a bathroom at Applebee’s. Until he finishes eating it. Then its back into the basement for you, whore.

So here we go- Fried Zucchini.

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Cooking For Meat-eaters

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I am a fucking vegan. I have to say this about 20 times a day and god forbid we go to someones house, it turns into a huge deal where I get drunk and cry in a guest bathroom. This likely has nothing to do with being vegan and everything to do with drinking on an empty stomach.

Anyway what does this mean? It means I eat vegetables. Will I shun you for eating meat? I have done far more questionable things. So no. Will I die if I only eat a salad with vodka because you didnt know I was vegan? No. But you’re a prick. Obviously.

But here’s the thing. I cook for a meat eating slab of man flesh every day and he sure as fuck doesn’t eat tofu unless its deep fried.

So how do I do it?

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