“Meaty” Garlic and Tomato Pasta

Its a beautiful Wednesday evening. I’ve just huffed a half of cup of cleaning solution while furiously scrubbing the bathroom and after my streak of fume induced mania the high finally wore off. It was then I knew I needed to make dinner.

But what do you eat when you’ve spent the last two hours angry cleaning the house? Something easy, like the drunk you, or macaroni. Pair this with a salad and a cup of inconspicuous tea with bourbon so no one can try to send you to AA again.

How do you make this amazing pasta dish?

Get your pan nice and hot. Sweaty, even. Crush and chop your garlic and toss it into the pan . Take your tempeh and chop it well. Add to the pan along with your seasonings and brown. Add your tomatoes and stir frequently. Now cover that up like last nights leftover liner and lower the heat. Cook it for another 20 minutes.

Get your water ready to boil and salt it heavily. Cook your pasta as directed on the side of the box. If this step is hard for you, your parents failed you.

When the pasta is cooked take a spoonful of the pasta water and add it to your tempeh and tomatoes along with your basil and parsley. Toss this around like its Ryan Goslings salad. Mix your pasta with the 1/4 cup olive oil and the  “meat sauce” and enjoy it alone. single. sexy. too full to move.

Broccoli and Pesto Penne

Vegan

I gotta admit. I was skeptical about this sauce from the get go. Its a little chunky. I mean like the other Tyler daughter chunky. Jk. I cant front. I would totally sleep with her and then give her a fake number. So I started with the freshest ingredients. Like olive garden. But poorer 😦 A little basil, a handful of nuts and a bottle of Flying Cloud Cabernet go a long way to black out. Add the bottle of wine directly to your mouth. Add the other shit to your pasta. Drink until your tears taste good. Drown yourself in a bowl of memories and penne. Cry deeply. Eat more. Go swimming before 30 minutes. YOLO. FTW

Lets make-aahhhh the pastaaaaaahhh.

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Cooking For Meat-eaters

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I am a fucking vegan. I have to say this about 20 times a day and god forbid we go to someones house, it turns into a huge deal where I get drunk and cry in a guest bathroom. This likely has nothing to do with being vegan and everything to do with drinking on an empty stomach.

Anyway what does this mean? It means I eat vegetables. Will I shun you for eating meat? I have done far more questionable things. So no. Will I die if I only eat a salad with vodka because you didnt know I was vegan? No. But you’re a prick. Obviously.

But here’s the thing. I cook for a meat eating slab of man flesh every day and he sure as fuck doesn’t eat tofu unless its deep fried.

So how do I do it?

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