Edamame

Snacking can be vegan and not put ten pounds on your fat ass. How? Stick to simple snacks that are vegetable based and filling. I like my snacks quick and easy, like a massage parlor. I want to work as little as possible.

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Avocado Toast

Being vegan forces you to get creative the way reality television forces you to re evaluate your life. When I realized I had only one more day to use my avocado before it turned browner than the original Michael Jackson,  I had to think of a way to use it. And so I decided to make Avocado Toast. This recipe is open to interpretation, kinda like Caitlyn Jenner’s sexuality. Avocado is a great base for many flavors and it plays well with others. So swap lime for lemon or vaping for cigarettes if you’re pretentious enough. See if I care. This recipe serves  4, or just you if you’re ovulating.

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Easy Texan Veggie Soup

This soup is chunkier than you were before your parents sent you away to the “special” camp. It can not help you clear up any of your on going STD infections but it sure as fuck fights disease and cancer. The vegetables in this soup are like a rocket ship to immunity, unlike your English lit major,which contrary to what your admissions counselor told you, was a rocket ship to your hostess job at the  local TGI Fridays. So lets heat up a pan of tears and olive oil and get to souping.

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Vegan “Buttermilk” Biscuits

Biscuits. The word can mean so many things. A turd. A cookie, if you’re a toothy brit. A gun if you are a rapper. But the biscuits i’m talking about are the ones that are crispy and flaky, like your hair. Condition much? I searched and searched for a good biscuit recipe but all i found was the 2 girls 1 cup video. And then finally, I found a vegan biscuit recipe. A flaky, crispy, doughy biscuit recipe that will make your mouth water more than a sunday morning hangover. Except this time you wont be clinging to your filthy toilet bowl afterwards.

Heat up your panties to 450 and lets bake some biscuits.

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Easy A$$ Meal

Many people liken going vegan to sliding a watermelon through your asshole. I may have confused that with giving birth. You get my point.

“It’s more expensive than a russian mail order bride.” -my anonymous friend.

“If I wanted to work that hard I would have signed the birth certificate,”-your adoring father.

You get what I am saying. But the truth is sometimes being vegan is cheaper and easier than your sister was in high school. And that’s saying a lot.

I made myself a delicious vegan lunch the other day. And simple.  Heat up your panties to 425 degrees and lets bake some potato.

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Onion Bean Dip

Ok. When i want to be left alone in church or at a wedding I load up on beans. Fine, the church part was a lie. Ok the whole thing was a lie. When I want to be left alone I let my stellar personality shine. When I really want to be left alone I just go under the bed and I cry while reading cosmopolitan. I cry because being slutty is now called being empowered. What a time to be alive ladies AMIRITE?

This dip will knock your tits off. Serve it warmed with a little olive oil drizzled over it and wow the fuck out of your posh friends while they talk about using tinder to get free dinners. What a time to be alive AMIRITESWIPE.

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Open Faced Kale and Broccoli Sandwich

Lunch. Depending on how much you drank the night before lunch can be an enjoyable meal without the taste of vomit or it can be a sustenance based binge of french fries from mcdonalds. Don’t act like you haven’t had lunch next to a homeless man while he pisses himself.

If you are lucky enough to not smell like Paris Hilton’s old closet this afternoon then you may be a candidate for yawnfucks anonymous. How dare you sit there and judge me? I am living my dream one bathroom stall at a time.

This lunch will be the best decision I have made for myself in almost 15 hours.

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Easy Chickpea and Parsley Salad

Vegan

Chickpeas are the red headed step child of the bean family. People never know what to do with them or how to act towards them. Sometimes you may even be scared that they watch you while you sleep.

If you love flicking the bean then you’ll love this chickpea salad. These beans go a long way when flicked, which is more than we can say for you.

So toss your chicks and parsley together and eat them while reminiscing on your long long long long gone childhood, you old fuck

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Homemade Croutons

Vegan

Few things in life are as addictive as crack cocaine. Or if you’re a prominent actor, lets say having sex with questionable prostitutes in cars and rest stops. But I have found something far better than grinding your teeth down and hooking for fixes. That’s correct. Sit down, I am about to blow your mind the way you blew your drug dealer. Homemade croutons are not to be fucked with. Try them once and you will be giving out hj’s for cash. Trust me on this. Add them to soup or salad. Go to rehab. Come back as Flava Flav. Yeaaaaaaa Boiiiiiiiiiiiii

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Cajun Tofu Cubes

Vegan

Child. Cajun seasoning is like fairy dust. Sprinkle it on a limp lifeless chunk of protein and massage some oil in there and you have a sturdy mouth full of the white deliciousness we call tofu. Jk tofu can taste like your mother’s shitty cooking if you dont dress it up real nice and get it all greasy. That’s how you get it to put out…….flavor.

These little nuggets of heaven are hard on the outside and soft on the inside. They will foodgasm you into submission with their flavor voodoo.

So get your gal Tofu all dolled up for a night on the town and lets get to cooking.

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