Snacking can be vegan and not put ten pounds on your fat ass. How? Stick to simple snacks that are vegetable based and filling. I like my snacks quick and easy, like a massage parlor. I want to work as little as possible.
Being vegan forces you to get creative the way reality television forces you to re evaluate your life. When I realized I had only one more day to use my avocado before it turned browner than the original Michael Jackson, I had to think of a way to use it. And so I decided to make Avocado Toast. This recipe is open to interpretation, kinda like Caitlyn Jenner’s sexuality. Avocado is a great base for many flavors and it plays well with others. So swap lime for lemon or vaping for cigarettes if you’re pretentious enough. See if I care. This recipe serves 4, or just you if you’re ovulating.
Biscuits. The word can mean so many things. A turd. A cookie, if you’re a toothy brit. A gun if you are a rapper. But the biscuits i’m talking about are the ones that are crispy and flaky, like your hair. Condition much? I searched and searched for a good biscuit recipe but all i found was the 2 girls 1 cup video. And then finally, I found a vegan biscuit recipe. A flaky, crispy, doughy biscuit recipe that will make your mouth water more than a sunday morning hangover. Except this time you wont be clinging to your filthy toilet bowl afterwards.
Heat up your panties to 450 and lets bake some biscuits.
Many people liken going vegan to sliding a watermelon through your asshole. I may have confused that with giving birth. You get my point.
“It’s more expensive than a russian mail order bride.” -my anonymous friend.
“If I wanted to work that hard I would have signed the birth certificate,”-your adoring father.
You get what I am saying. But the truth is sometimes being vegan is cheaper and easier than your sister was in high school. And that’s saying a lot.
I made myself a delicious vegan lunch the other day. And simple. Heat up your panties to 425 degrees and lets bake some potato.
Few things in life are as rewarding as chocolate pudding. The only thing I can think of that’s more rewarding is throwing pennies out your moon roof onto people who ride your ass. Personally I would rather that than a hormonal childless shrew from staten island with the mouth of a trucker. Consider yourself lucky.
This pudding is good. There should be a porn with this pudding in it somewhere, that’s how good it is. This could be the start of a new business.
Ok. When i want to be left alone in church or at a wedding I load up on beans. Fine, the church part was a lie. Ok the whole thing was a lie. When I want to be left alone I let my stellar personality shine. When I really want to be left alone I just go under the bed and I cry while reading cosmopolitan. I cry because being slutty is now called being empowered. What a time to be alive ladies AMIRITE?
This dip will knock your tits off. Serve it warmed with a little olive oil drizzled over it and wow the fuck out of your posh friends while they talk about using tinder to get free dinners. What a time to be alive AMIRITESWIPE.
Child. Cajun seasoning is like fairy dust. Sprinkle it on a limp lifeless chunk of protein and massage some oil in there and you have a sturdy mouth full of the white deliciousness we call tofu. Jk tofu can taste like your mother’s shitty cooking if you dont dress it up real nice and get it all greasy. That’s how you get it to put out…….flavor.
These little nuggets of heaven are hard on the outside and soft on the inside. They will foodgasm you into submission with their flavor voodoo.
So get your gal Tofu all dolled up for a night on the town and lets get to cooking.
I gotta admit. I was skeptical about this sauce from the get go. Its a little chunky. I mean like the other Tyler daughter chunky. Jk. I cant front. I would totally sleep with her and then give her a fake number. So I started with the freshest ingredients. Like olive garden. But poorer 😦 A little basil, a handful of nuts and a bottle of Flying Cloud Cabernet go a long way to black out. Add the bottle of wine directly to your mouth. Add the other shit to your pasta. Drink until your tears taste good. Drown yourself in a bowl of memories and penne. Cry deeply. Eat more. Go swimming before 30 minutes. YOLO. FTW
Lets make-aahhhh the pastaaaaaahhh.
Apples and peanut butter go together like hookers and blow. They’re a match made in heaven. So in honor of that relationship I thought we would make balls, lightly dusted in a cocoa powder concoction that will make you want to swallow them whole. If only you did that for your ex, maybe he would have stuck around.
So how do you make these tasty little treats? Watch and learn.
Brussel sprouts. The testicle of the vegetable world. Little round balls just oozing flavor and adventure. If you’re not careful while handling them you can injure or bruise them. You can usually fit at least two in one hand but most brussels like to be lightly stroked or handled gently. Save all that rough play for the carrots. They’re hard and sturdy. Those things can take a beating. So handle with care. You’ll thank yourself later.
Potatoes need no introduction. They are a miracle fruit. In my personal opinion potatoes are at their very best when they are in a large bottle. Those potatoes can get you drunk. So drunk that you have to go to Mc Donald’s to meet them again at 1 am to get yourself fried right. Sometimes you just need your fix. Any way potatoes are as addicting to me as cocaine is to Janice Dickinson and I gotta say, you can literally put them in anything and they work.
So try out these Brussels and Taters.