“Meaty” Garlic and Tomato Pasta

Its a beautiful Wednesday evening. I’ve just huffed a half of cup of cleaning solution while furiously scrubbing the bathroom and after my streak of fume induced mania the high finally wore off. It was then I knew I needed to make dinner.

But what do you eat when you’ve spent the last two hours angry cleaning the house? Something easy, like the drunk you, or macaroni. Pair this with a salad and a cup of inconspicuous tea with bourbon so no one can try to send you to AA again.

How do you make this amazing pasta dish?

Get your pan nice and hot. Sweaty, even. Crush and chop your garlic and toss it into the pan . Take your tempeh and chop it well. Add to the pan along with your seasonings and brown. Add your tomatoes and stir frequently. Now cover that up like last nights leftover liner and lower the heat. Cook it for another 20 minutes.

Get your water ready to boil and salt it heavily. Cook your pasta as directed on the side of the box. If this step is hard for you, your parents failed you.

When the pasta is cooked take a spoonful of the pasta water and add it to your tempeh and tomatoes along with your basil and parsley. Toss this around like its Ryan Goslings salad. Mix your pasta with the 1/4 cup olive oil and the  “meat sauce” and enjoy it alone. single. sexy. too full to move.

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Easy Texan Veggie Soup

This soup is chunkier than you were before your parents sent you away to the “special” camp. It can not help you clear up any of your on going STD infections but it sure as fuck fights disease and cancer. The vegetables in this soup are like a rocket ship to immunity, unlike your English lit major,which contrary to what your admissions counselor told you, was a rocket ship to your hostess job at the  local TGI Fridays. So lets heat up a pan of tears and olive oil and get to souping.

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Onion Bean Dip

Ok. When i want to be left alone in church or at a wedding I load up on beans. Fine, the church part was a lie. Ok the whole thing was a lie. When I want to be left alone I let my stellar personality shine. When I really want to be left alone I just go under the bed and I cry while reading cosmopolitan. I cry because being slutty is now called being empowered. What a time to be alive ladies AMIRITE?

This dip will knock your tits off. Serve it warmed with a little olive oil drizzled over it and wow the fuck out of your posh friends while they talk about using tinder to get free dinners. What a time to be alive AMIRITESWIPE.

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Noodle Salad

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I can’t think of any place in New York City but Chinatown where you can get a happy ending and a stir fry on the same corner. I cant comment on the first, but the stir fry is so titties. So in homage to the smelliest shit hole in the Big Apple I wanted to get wasted before 5 pm and have a fabulous lunch alone while i cheers to Chinatown and cry into my glass of sauvignon blanc. Chin Chin fuckers lets cook.

You’re gonna need a bottle of good white wine for this.  Try to get drunk enough to forget that your parents still think you’re a lesbian because you haven’t had a boyfriend in a few years.

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Easy Chickpea and Parsley Salad

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Chickpeas are the red headed step child of the bean family. People never know what to do with them or how to act towards them. Sometimes you may even be scared that they watch you while you sleep.

If you love flicking the bean then you’ll love this chickpea salad. These beans go a long way when flicked, which is more than we can say for you.

So toss your chicks and parsley together and eat them while reminiscing on your long long long long gone childhood, you old fuck

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Cajun Tofu Cubes

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Child. Cajun seasoning is like fairy dust. Sprinkle it on a limp lifeless chunk of protein and massage some oil in there and you have a sturdy mouth full of the white deliciousness we call tofu. Jk tofu can taste like your mother’s shitty cooking if you dont dress it up real nice and get it all greasy. That’s how you get it to put out…….flavor.

These little nuggets of heaven are hard on the outside and soft on the inside. They will foodgasm you into submission with their flavor voodoo.

So get your gal Tofu all dolled up for a night on the town and lets get to cooking.

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Bruschetta and Italian Toast

Vegan

I had a few friends over. Nothing big just some hookers I used to see working down by the path. Anyway I made them a few snacks because the streets is hard out there and its cold as fuck.

Bruschetta, Guacamole and Vegan Onion and Nut Dip.

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I thought it would be a treat to talk about this Bruschetta.

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OMG Onion O Rings

Vegan

Ok. Sometimes fried food can blow out your O ring. This happens when particular groups of patriots imbibe both Budweiser and local fast food delicacies like taco bell or white castle. The scientific terminology is “Bud Mud”. When you do it right though, it can slide through your system unwavering and determined to reach the other side. Like hamsters in the west village. This recipe is the kind that needs no lubrication. After all, vegan recipes are great for your colon. Whats good for your colon is good for your asshole. And i mean literal asshole , not your shitty toddler tearing down signs at Starbucks while you have “mommy time”.

So heat up a vat of oil and lets get weird………..

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Asian Italian Seared Tofu

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Soy sauce can basically make anything taste good. Except your balloon knot. That will never taste good no matter how much soy or strawberry flavored anything you add to it.

So naturally soy sauce makes a delicious marinade. This marinade is two parts asian pornography and two parts italian violence. Its is 100% tasty.

I let my tofu marinate for a few hours alone and think about how it brought home some fucking bimbo from a bar thinking that I woudn’t find out . Well slutty cinderella left her stripper pump under the bed. And then I fry it and I eat the evidence. I don’t remember what we were talking about…………..

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Cooking For Meat-eaters

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I am a fucking vegan. I have to say this about 20 times a day and god forbid we go to someones house, it turns into a huge deal where I get drunk and cry in a guest bathroom. This likely has nothing to do with being vegan and everything to do with drinking on an empty stomach.

Anyway what does this mean? It means I eat vegetables. Will I shun you for eating meat? I have done far more questionable things. So no. Will I die if I only eat a salad with vodka because you didnt know I was vegan? No. But you’re a prick. Obviously.

But here’s the thing. I cook for a meat eating slab of man flesh every day and he sure as fuck doesn’t eat tofu unless its deep fried.

So how do I do it?

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