Being vegan forces you to get creative the way reality television forces you to re evaluate your life. When I realized I had only one more day to use my avocado before it turned browner than the original Michael Jackson, I had to think of a way to use it. And so I decided to make Avocado Toast. This recipe is open to interpretation, kinda like Caitlyn Jenner’s sexuality. Avocado is a great base for many flavors and it plays well with others. So swap lime for lemon or vaping for cigarettes if you’re pretentious enough. See if I care. This recipe serves 4, or just you if you’re ovulating.
This soup is chunkier than you were before your parents sent you away to the “special” camp. It can not help you clear up any of your on going STD infections but it sure as fuck fights disease and cancer. The vegetables in this soup are like a rocket ship to immunity, unlike your English lit major,which contrary to what your admissions counselor told you, was a rocket ship to your hostess job at the local TGI Fridays. So lets heat up a pan of tears and olive oil and get to souping.
Ok. When i want to be left alone in church or at a wedding I load up on beans. Fine, the church part was a lie. Ok the whole thing was a lie. When I want to be left alone I let my stellar personality shine. When I really want to be left alone I just go under the bed and I cry while reading cosmopolitan. I cry because being slutty is now called being empowered. What a time to be alive ladies AMIRITE?
This dip will knock your tits off. Serve it warmed with a little olive oil drizzled over it and wow the fuck out of your posh friends while they talk about using tinder to get free dinners. What a time to be alive AMIRITESWIPE.
I can’t think of any place in New York City but Chinatown where you can get a happy ending and a stir fry on the same corner. I cant comment on the first, but the stir fry is so titties. So in homage to the smelliest shit hole in the Big Apple I wanted to get wasted before 5 pm and have a fabulous lunch alone while i cheers to Chinatown and cry into my glass of sauvignon blanc. Chin Chin fuckers lets cook.
You’re gonna need a bottle of good white wine for this. Try to get drunk enough to forget that your parents still think you’re a lesbian because you haven’t had a boyfriend in a few years.
Chickpeas are the red headed step child of the bean family. People never know what to do with them or how to act towards them. Sometimes you may even be scared that they watch you while you sleep.
If you love flicking the bean then you’ll love this chickpea salad. These beans go a long way when flicked, which is more than we can say for you.
So toss your chicks and parsley together and eat them while reminiscing on your long long long long gone childhood, you old fuck
Few things in life are as addictive as crack cocaine. Or if you’re a prominent actor, lets say having sex with questionable prostitutes in cars and rest stops. But I have found something far better than grinding your teeth down and hooking for fixes. That’s correct. Sit down, I am about to blow your mind the way you blew your drug dealer. Homemade croutons are not to be fucked with. Try them once and you will be giving out hj’s for cash. Trust me on this. Add them to soup or salad. Go to rehab. Come back as Flava Flav. Yeaaaaaaa Boiiiiiiiiiiiii
Child. Cajun seasoning is like fairy dust. Sprinkle it on a limp lifeless chunk of protein and massage some oil in there and you have a sturdy mouth full of the white deliciousness we call tofu. Jk tofu can taste like your mother’s shitty cooking if you dont dress it up real nice and get it all greasy. That’s how you get it to put out…….flavor.
These little nuggets of heaven are hard on the outside and soft on the inside. They will foodgasm you into submission with their flavor voodoo.
So get your gal Tofu all dolled up for a night on the town and lets get to cooking.
I had a few friends over. Nothing big just some hookers I used to see working down by the path. Anyway I made them a few snacks because the streets is hard out there and its cold as fuck.
Bruschetta, Guacamole and Vegan Onion and Nut Dip.
I thought it would be a treat to talk about this Bruschetta.
I gotta admit. I was skeptical about this sauce from the get go. Its a little chunky. I mean like the other Tyler daughter chunky. Jk. I cant front. I would totally sleep with her and then give her a fake number. So I started with the freshest ingredients. Like olive garden. But poorer 😦 A little basil, a handful of nuts and a bottle of Flying Cloud Cabernet go a long way to black out. Add the bottle of wine directly to your mouth. Add the other shit to your pasta. Drink until your tears taste good. Drown yourself in a bowl of memories and penne. Cry deeply. Eat more. Go swimming before 30 minutes. YOLO. FTW
Lets make-aahhhh the pastaaaaaahhh.
Ok. Sometimes fried food can blow out your O ring. This happens when particular groups of patriots imbibe both Budweiser and local fast food delicacies like taco bell or white castle. The scientific terminology is “Bud Mud”. When you do it right though, it can slide through your system unwavering and determined to reach the other side. Like hamsters in the west village. This recipe is the kind that needs no lubrication. After all, vegan recipes are great for your colon. Whats good for your colon is good for your asshole. And i mean literal asshole , not your shitty toddler tearing down signs at Starbucks while you have “mommy time”.
So heat up a vat of oil and lets get weird………..